


Colour me in

by Eve1978



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Bucky's just a regular guy, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Hugs, Kissing, and a good man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:00:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22755136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: You like Bucky and Bucky likes you, there’s just one tiny, huge problem: Bucky really likes sex and you...really don’t.Aka the one where Bucky falls in love with an asexual girl and is forced to take a look at love and relationships from a different perspective.Personal note: as someone who’s struggled with sexuality most of her life I’ve been wanting to write this subject for some time now but I never really had a clear idea or wasn’t really sure I could do it justice. I hope this fic resonates with those who need it.(Reader is not me, she’s not based on me, but let’s just say I get her)The title is based on the song Colour me in by Damien Rice, Spotify it if you like because the lyrics fit the story really well.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 28
Kudos: 156





	Colour me in

“Go out on a date with me.”

You turned your head to find Bucky leaning against the counter next to you, showing you his sweetest and most seductive smile.

“No,” you answered with a shrug. 

He sighed theatrically before taking the empty cup from your hands and placing it under the coffee machine. You couldn’t help but smile at his ridiculous reaction.

You loved working with Bucky, you two had been doing the same shifts in the small local coffee shop for a couple of months now and had fallen into the perfect routine. Bucky was easy to be around, always in a good mood and sassy enough to help you out with any rude customers, making him your favorite colleague.

There was just one tiny thing though, he was the biggest flirt in the entire universe.

“Why not?” he asked.

“Do you want the list?”

“Oh, ouch, why so rude?,” he placed his hand over his heart, pretending to be hurt but you knew he was playing, this wasn’t the first time he’d asked that question, or the first time you turned him down.“You can just say I’m not your type, you know,” he added.

“Okay, you’re not my type,” you took the coffee from the machine and walked over to the customer’s table, thinking that would be the end of that conversation but as soon as you set foot behind the counter again Bucky was right there.

“The thing is….”

You sighed before he’d even finished that sentence. 

“The thing is I’m not really buying that since I’m pretty much everyone’s type,” he added with a smirk.

A comment like that coming from anyone else would deserve a kick in the balls but coming from Bucky, you couldn’t even be mad about it because it was true. 

Bucky Barnes was one of the most attractive men walking the earth. Blessed with gorgeous blue eyes and long thick dark hair, perfect cheekbones and a smile that would make any heart melt. He was in perfect health, not too skinny but not too ripped either making him both hot but also approachable.

And it wasn’t just his looks, he was charming but in a sweet way, he was funny and fun to be around and even his cockiness came with a sense of self awareness that made it more adorable than it was arrogant. But what you loved most about Bucky was that he had an innocent kind of honesty about him that was totally endearing. Even when he was being a little shit, and he definitely could be at times, you still couldn’t be mad at him for it.

But none of that was the point. You would never date him and you had your reasons.

“Trust me when I tell you you’re not _my_ type,” you added.

Bucky stared at you for a few moments,”Hmm, as far as I know you’re not into women. I mean, I didn’t read you so wrong, did I?”

“I _could_ be into women.”

“Are you?”

“No, I’m not into women,” you confessed,”but I should kick your ass for assuming the only reason a woman doesn’t want you is because she doesn’t like men.”

He smiled and nodded his head,”Yeah, okay, that was a pretty bad assumption. I’m just…trying to understand why you won’t even try. You like me, right? I mean as a person you like me?”

“As a person I like you, Bucky,” you answered with a little smile.

“Then what’s so horrifying about just going on one date? No obligations, just hang out, see a movie, grab something to eat, see how we go.”

“Because…I know who you are, James. And I know who I am, trust me, we don’t fit.”

Your conversation was over when a bunch of clients walked in and he didn’t ask you again for the rest of the day.  
  


***  
  


A couple weeks later you were having lunch at one of the tables in the back of the shop when Bucky came to you. “Okay, so explain this to me then,” he started.

You looked up from your plate as he took a seat opposite you.

“As far as I know you’re not with anyone, correct me if I’m wrong there. And this past month I’ve seen several guys ask you out, very handsome guys I may add, but you always shut them down, instantly, all of them. Whether they’re the athletic type or the academic type, or whether they’re shy or outgoing and I can’t figure out what kind of guys you do like.”

“Bucky,” you sighed,”Why are you so invested in my love life?”

“Well, it sounds like at least one of us should be.”

You hit him on the arm,”I’m not interested in dating anyone right now. And no, it’s not because I’m already seeing someone or have my eyes set on someone, I’m single and I’m fine with that, let it go.”

“Alright,” he took a bite from his sandwich and leaned back in his seat. You both ate in comfortable silence for a few moments before he spoke again,”I’m just saying…you could date literally anyone you wanted to, you’re very hot, you know that, right?”

You laughed and almost choked on a piece of salad,”Thank you, Bucky.”

You took a long sip from your drink and you both looked at each other until you broke the silence,”It kills you, doesn’t it? Seeing someone so uninvested in something that’s so important to you.”

He took a moment to think about what you asked him.“I guess I’m just trying to understand where you’re coming from.”

“Sex isn’t that important to everyone, you know, lots of people go without it for a very long time.”

“By choice?” he laughed at your suggestion and for some reason his reaction triggered you. It was all you needed to decide to be honest with him.

“Yes, James, by choice,” you stressed.

He looked at you like he hadn’t understood a single word you just said.

“I choose not to date because it’s my choice,” you then added,”because I’m not…I’m not…”

You sighed heavily, choking on your next words and he noticed.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Bucky let his eyes meet yours again, his expression soft this time, understanding but also curious and more than a little confused,”whatever you wanna tell me it’s okay, Y/N, I won’t judge.”

“I hate putting people in boxes, least of all myself,” you started,”but…I guess the reason I don’t date is because…I identify as asexual.”

Bucky looked at you like you’d just spoken another language and for a moment your heart crumbled. 

You smiled nervously,”You’ve heard of that, right?”

Bucky nodded, keeping eye contact with you, which made you feel a little less nervous. He wasn’t running away, yet, but looking at you like he wanted to know more.  
  
”Yeah, I’ve heard of it,” he then answered softly,”but…I’m not really familiar with what…”

“It means I don’t feel any or very little sexual attraction to anyone, male or female,” you explained,”It means I don’t need, or want, sex in the way most people do. It means…a lot of other things I haven’t really figured out for myself yet.”

Bucky was quiet but nodded his head.

”That’s the first time I said that out loud,” you sighed.

“Wow. That’s…that actually explains a lot.”

“I thought it might,” you smiled and he returned your smile.

“Thank you for telling me that and for being so honest, I know that can’t have been easy, and I’m sorry for pushing the subject so much. I feel like a real asshole right now,” he shook his head and looked down.

“It’s okay, you didn’t know,” you reassured him,”And I have no issues talking about sex or anything, I mean…it’s not like there’s much to talk about anyway.”

You laughed quietly and Bucky gave you a warm bright smile while you took another sip from your drink.

“So…no sex?” he then asked carefully, his curiosity taking over,”Like ever?”

“I’ve had sex, I’m not a virgin,” you explained,”Nor am I traumatized by something that happened to me in the past or anything, let’s just get all the cliches out of the way. That’s not what being asexual is.”

“Can you explain it to me some more?”

“I probably can’t because it’s different for everyone.”

Bucky nodded,“Wow, I can’t…I can’t even imagine.”

“No, I bet you can’t, Mr I-need-to-fuck-a-new-girl-every-week,” your smile changed into easy laughter while you rolled your eyes and your casual reaction instantly loosened up Bucky too.

“Shut up,” he laughed while he shook his head and blushed and threw the empty wrapper from his sandwich at your face. 

Neither of you touched the subject again that day.  
  


***  
  


You were happy, and relieved, to see Bucky didn’t treat you any differently after your confession and you both went about your work and daily banter as you always had.

Bucky was helping you with some orders a week later when he addressed it again.

“So, I’ve been reading some stuff online about the whole asexual thing,” he lowered his voice with those last words, making sure that part of the conversation wasn’t overheard by any customers, which you were grateful for. You were also weirdly touched by the fact that he actually went and did some research.

“And what did you find out?” you asked.

“That there’s a long list of sexual orientations I had never even heard about.”

You smiled,”It’s confusing, isn’t it?”

“I mean, yeah, it’s confusing reading about it, I can’t even imagine…living it, you know.”

You nodded.”Yeah, fucking tell me about it.”

“So what about relationships? How does that work? Have you ever…been in love?”

“Have _you_?”

The question surprised him a little and he didn’t answer it.

“I’ve had relationships,” you then confessed,”and yes, I can fall in love, I can have romantic feelings for someone. I was in a longterm relationship for over 4 years.”

Bucky’s eyes widened in shock.

“Don’t be so shocked.”

“But a relationship with no sex?”

“No, there…there was sex.”

“But you weren’t sexually attracted to him?”

“No,” you confessed,”But we did have sex.”

“But why?”

“Why did I have sex with him?”

“Yeah, why did you have sex with a guy if you didn’t…you know.”

“For several reasons. Because even though I don’t enjoy the act of sex I do enjoy the closeness and the intimacy that comes with it. And because I loved him and I wanted to make him happy and…because I thought it was expected of me and he would leave me if I didn’t,” your tone changed with that last reason.

There was more empathy in Bucky’s eyes than you could handle in that moment and you looked away.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered softly.

“Anyway, it didn’t last, we didn’t make each other happy no matter how hard we tried, we were just…too different.”

“How long ago was this?” Bucky asked carefully.

“About 6 years now, I’ve been alone since then. And definitely better off.”  
  


***  
  


Bucky Barnes’ relationships were the opposite of your relationships: purely physical and led by sexual attraction only.  
He was a natural born flirt, women just flocked to him and hung on his every word. You’d seen him chat up girls every week without even having to make an effort. He never told you any details but you knew about all the women he hooked up with and took home.

You’d be lying if you said you never questioned what it would be like, to just look at someone and _want_ them. It was something you had never and would never experience.

None of Bucky’s dates stuck around for very long though.

You were cleaning the tables that night when Bucky had finished counting the money and made his way over to you. He took off his apron and leaned against one of the tables, letting out a deep sigh.

“So, what are you doing tonight?” he asked.

“Netflix and passing out on the couch, you?”

“The same,” he smiled,”We could…do it together, if you wanted.”

You smiled but shook your head,”I don’t think that’s a good idea, Bucky.”

“As friends,” he quickly added.

You looked at him,”Still don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Come on, Y/N, you won’t even give me a chance here.”

“You don’t want a chance with me, Bucky, trust me, I really like you but…nothing’s ever going to happen, okay. You’re better off focusing on other girls.”

He nodded his head but you could see the disappointment on his face.”So this,” he pointed towards himself,”does nothing for you? At all? There’s nothing here, between us?”

You sighed and looked at him,”I like you, I really like you, and I think you’re cute, and gorgeous.”

“So?”

“So that’s where it ends, I think you’re gorgeous but that doesn’t make me wanna take your clothes off and get naked with you. I will never be able to give you what you need, do you understand that?”

He shrugged stubbornly. “How do you know what I need, huh?”

You gave him a look,”Really? You’d be okay with being with a girl and not having sex?”

He sighed,” I don’t know, but…”

“But what, Bucky?”

“I like you,” he confessed and it sounded so sincere you knew he wasn’t lying or playing around.

You shook your head with a sigh,“Well, that…sucks for you then.”

“Come on,” he placed his hand on your arm to stop you from turning away from him and he looked deep into your eyes,”Tell me you feel nothing and I’ll let it go, I promise.”

“It doesn’t matter what I do feel for you because I don’t feel what you want me to feel,” you sighed and regretted your answer immediately when you noticed the spark of hope on his face.

“You wouldn’t last a month without sex and we both know it,” you then pointed out.

He just shrugged his shoulders and opened his mouth to speak but you stopped him by speaking first,”That was not a challenge.”

“Well, maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do, and maybe I will take you up on that challenge.”

His eyes held yours defiantly until you looked down and shook your head with a smile.“Good luck with that, you idiot.”  
  


***  
  


Bucky didn’t push you again after that conversation, nor did he try to touch you again and you both went back into your normal routine of friendly coworkers. 

The only thing that was different was his attitude towards the customers, especially the female ones. Bucky didn’t flirt with anyone during the next few weeks, even your boss noticed the change in his behavior.

You knew he was just trying to prove a point to you and that it wouldn’t last but you were low key impressed that he was even trying and getting this far.

“So you never get horny? Ever?”

His question almost made you spill the drinks you were carrying but Bucky was quick to take over, giving you an apologetic smile.

“Warn a girl next time you’re gonna ask a question like that.”

“Sorry.”

He helped you put the drinks on the counter and then looked at you again, waiting for an answer.

“Yes, I do get horny,” you lowered your voice to keep your conversation private,”A person’s sex drive isn’t necessarily linked to their sexual attraction.”

He was giving you that look again like he had no clue what you were talking about.“I’m not following.”

“Of course you’re not,” you sighed and leaned in a little closer to him so you could whisper the next part,”What I mean is I may not like sex but orgasms are amazing.”

This time it was Bucky’s turn to be caught off guard by your words and he actually started blushing, which inadvertently put a smile on your face.

“Are you talking about…?”

“Masturbation, yes,” you finished his sentence for him,”It’s more like…a physical need than a sexual need. Like an itch you need to scratch, but it isn’t linked to another person, does that make sense?”

“I guess,” he answered,”But doesn’t it feel better when…someone else scratches it?”

You smiled at his choice of words,”Not for me, no. Not always.”

“Hmm,” he still looked a little confused.

You sighed and tried to find the right words to explain it to him,“It’s like…he idea of sex is a bigger turn on than the actual act of sex?”

“The fantasy is better than the reality,” Bucky caught on.

“Yes, that’s exactly it.”

“But have you…maybe you just haven’t been with anyone who knew how to…satisfy you.”

You tried not to roll your eyes at him,”If the next thing you say is “ _let me cure you_ ” I will seriously kick you in the balls.”

“I just think you should rule out all options before you decide and I’m willing to sacrifice myself to help you out with that,” he gave you a charming smile.”You know, for science,” he then added with a big grin.

You hit his arm.

“Awww, I’m sorry,” he shook his head and pulled away from you playfully.

“I’ve tried that, okay, I’ve been with more than one guy, guys who did everything right but none of it mattered. Because it’s me, Bucky, I’m the one who’s broken, not them, okay. You don’t have to put this on the guys, it’s not on them.”

Your words shut him up instantly and his hand reached for yours.

“Hey, you’re not broken, just different,” he whispered and gently squeezed your hand,”I’m sorry I’ve been so pushy, I just want to understand and learn more about it because…I really do like you, Y/N. I know you see me as as player and a flirt and…”

“It’s okay, you can say _man whore_ ,” you teased and he blushed instantly.

“Stop,” he smiled shyly and gave you a playful little shove before looking into your eyes,”I mean it though, I like you.”

“I like you too. And I don’t mind talking about it, it’s actually helpful for me to talk about it, it’s just that sometimes it’s…it gets too much.”

“Just tell me when to take a step back, okay,” he gave you a reassuring smile and you nodded.

“Okay.”  
  


***  
  


Things changed between you two after that, Bucky became softer with you than before. 

He teased you less and seemed to look out for you more. He started to take notice when you were having a bad day and always did his best to cheer you up.

The touches were casual but unmistakeable, a hand on your lower back as he passed you behind the counter, his shoulder nudging yours in the middle of conversation, fingers brushing when he handed you empty cups to fill. You found yourself not minding at all.

This had been going on for a few months now and ever since you hadn’t seen him ask out anyone else or heard him talk about other girls.

“So, how long has it been?” you asked one evening as you were both closing up the shop.

“What?”

“How long since you had sex?”

He smiled at your question,”4 months and 7 days.”

You laughed,“You keeping track of the hours too?”

“Haha,” he fake laughed.

“So how are you holding up?” you then asked more seriously.

“It’s okay. It’s actually less hard than I thought it would be, I mean…I’ve got my hand and there’s other stuff I can do.”

You smiled and shook your head,”Oh god, too much information.”

“Sorry,” he bit his lip,”Let’s just say I’m managing. Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“When you’re in a relationship how much…I mean…you said it wasn’t without any sex but you also kinda felt pressured and I’d…If I was your partner I…I’d never want to pressure you into anything but…I was just wondering if…how much…ugh,” he sighed and hesitated, clearly struggling to find the right words.

“Just ask me what you wanna know, Bucky.”

“Is there other stuff that you do enjoy? Sexual stuff, I mean, other than full on sex. Like, do you enjoy kissing?”

“With the right person, sometimes yes. I can enjoy being close to someone, hugging, waking up in someone’s arms and feeling their warmth and their skin against mine.”

Bucky was staring at you with such a warm smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes you regretted those last words. The last thing you wanted was to give him false hope.

“Bucky,” you sighed,”Look, I can’t give you a straight answer because I don’t know, okay. Sexuality for me is sort of fluid, I guess, like…sometimes I do enjoy the whole act because it makes me feel really close to another person in the way nothing else does but I can also go without for a really long time.”

“When you say really long time you mean…”

“Months, or maybe even a year. I don’t know, it’s not an exact science, Bucky, and it’s really different with every person I’ve been with.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, and that ain’t fair on any partner who just wants a normal, fulfilling relationship, isn’t it?” you sighed,”Please do yourself a favor and just…ask someone out this week, go and have sex and forget about…whatever this is, okay? Because it’s never going to happen, I’m not going to put you through that, or put myself through that. I can not make you happy, Bucky, it doesn’t matter how much I want to, okay.”

“But…you want to?”

“Yes,” you blurted out.

“Then, please, just let us try,” he pleaded.

“No,” you were shaking and much against your own will your eyes were filling up with tears.

“Why not, sweetheart?” Bucky’s soft tone and pet name only made you cry more.

”Because,” you sobbed,”Because I…”

“Because you don’t think you deserve the love you want,” Bucky finished your sentence and for a moment you just froze. 

You hadn’t even realized until he spoke the words just how right he was. He moved closer and carefully took your hand.

“Tell me what you’re so scared of,” he then asked softly.

“I’m scared of a million little things, Bucky. I’m scared of how much I like you, and scared of how different we are, how different _I_ am. If so many normal couples can’t even make it work what chance do we even have? I’m scared you’ll fall in love with me and I’ll never be able to reciprocate it in the way that you need or that _you_ deserve. I’m scared I’ll hurt you and you’ll hurt me and I’m mostly scared that I’ll always be alone because of it and…”

You burst out in tears and Bucky stepped forward, closing the distance between you two and without saying anything wrapped both his arms around you and hugged you. His body was warm and firm and so comforting you melted in his embrace and let your tears fall.

He held you until you were all cried out and waited until you decided to pull back before letting you go.

“I’m sorry,” you wiped away the last of your tears,”I didn’t mean to dump all that on you, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he whispered, still keeping his hands on your waist.

You both stared at each other for a while without saying anything.

“Listen,” Bucky finally spoke,”I won’t pretend that it’s going to be easy, or that sex isn’t important to me because…it obviously is but…it’s not the most important thing in a relationship. These past months I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and all those girls, all those meaningless hook ups…it didn’t make me happy anymore, it hasn’t for a while actually I just didn’t realize it until…I’ve been at my happiest when I was here, working, with you.”

“Me too,” you confessed softly.

He leaned in, gently pressing his forehead against yours,”Can I please just kiss you now?”

“Yes,” you whispered, tears welling up in your eyes when Bucky’s lips touched yours in the softest lingering kiss. 

“Was that okay?” he asked, his voice uncertain and somehow that small hint of concern from his part put a smile on your face.

“Yes,” you reassured him,”That was very much okay.”

He leaned in and kissed your forehead.”I know we have a lot of stuff to talk about and to work through and I still have so much to learn on the subject but…can we just shove all that aside for now and will you let me take you out on a date? I’ll buy you pizza and we’ll go watch one of those stupid foreign films you like so much, with subtitles, and afterwards, maybe, we can just cuddle on the couch and hold each other until we both fall asleep cause I really fucking need that last bit right now and the only one I wanna do it with is you.”

He breathed out and smiled nervously.”Please just say yes,” he added in a whisper,”We’ll figure all the rest out later, I promise, just give me a chance, Y/N, I’m begging you, sweetie.”

You smiled through your tears and softly cupped his face between your two hands,”Shut up. You had me at pizza.”

The smile lighting up Bucky’s face was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen. 

You knew he was right, it wasn’t going to be an easy road, there would be hills to climb, mountains even, and frustrations to get past, for the both of you, but right now for the first time in a really long time you didn’t care about that part.  
It was time you gave into what your heart wanted, to give this a shot, to trust in him and take the leap. 

Because Bucky had been right about one other thing too, maybe you weren’t broken but just different, and different deserves to be loved too.


End file.
